Our Decision, Not Just Mine

I'm a SAHM turned WM turned SAHM back again and some people have been bugging me for months to return to work. I'm a registered nurse. I went to a university to finish BS Nursing which is a four year course, then after I graduated I signed up for a review program that lasted almost a year. After that, I took a painfully hard 2-day licensure examination and then earned my license after that first take. Took a lot of hard work and to not do anything about my degree would be a a shame and waste of potential. But honestly, under the present circumstances I'm good right where I am... It's safe to say--for now.

Today I saw Iaine take the most number of steps so far. There are no words to describe how I felt. Or maybe it's how Katie (Horton Hears a Who) put it: In my world,everyone's a pony and they all eat rainbows--and poop butterflies!

This morning, we woke up at almost the same time, rolled around in bed for a good 30 minutes just feeling comfortable in a sea of fluffy pillows and soft sheets. Staring at each other. She, touching my face. Me, giving her loving cuddles and kisses. She, smiling and making the most adorable facial expressions. Us, playing hide and seek under my blanket. Then I thought to myself, how can I miss this for the world?

Jai's case is different. He's the father, the husband and he's a very good at it. He's very hardworking and I completely and absolutely understand why he has to work 5 days a week and not be with us. We have agreed about that in the first place and I don't have a problem with it. Sure, sometimes I miss him, sometimes wish I could work too and contribute to making ends meet but it doesn't mean I don't like being a housewife and taking care of our child.

I had a job offer laid out in front of me and all I had to do was just show up on the first day. The benefits sounded satisfactory with a bit of consequence, but in the long run it would have been a good call. I had a hard time thinking about it but I turned it down. Some people thought I was crazy, saying it was a great opportunity and because I can leave Iaine at home while I work. Iaine has a nanny and she's a great help but she's not the brightest bulb in the tanning bed (Juno reference) so I'm not comfortable with the idea of leaving Iaine with her for 8-9 hours a day/5 days a week. And being the mother, I can't exactly leave her the responsibility of helping Iaine out with her milestones. I should be the one seeing and participating in Iaine's everyday accomplishments. It's only fair that there should at least be one us (me and Jai) who represents the other and make Iaine's childhood as wonderful as possible.

So here's my argument: Maybe I could live til I'm a hundered years old? Can anybody seriously tell me I'm literally running out of time? How much time, then? In my point of view I have plenty of time to work on my career and be the most efficient nurse in history. Iaine's childhood doesn't last a hundred years. Every second, her brain is trying put the pieces together, trying to understand, trying to make her do things. She's at the stage of exploration and as my husband put it, the world is her playground. We plan to let her roam freely with us behind her back. I choose to be the mother who puts my child first before anything else. I want to be the mother who has a close relationship with my daughter. We want to be the parents who she runs to when she skins her knee for the first time, takes a first spoonful on her own, and maybe meet her first best friend. I wanna see her run to her Poppa when he gets home from working so hard. And I don't see anything wrong with all this.

I have nothing against working moms. Believe me I've been there. But right now I choose to stay home. When I think Iaine gets old enough to not need me 24 hours a day, then you can talk me into wearing scrubs again.