I think about the pain and suffering of going through labor and delivery almost every second of every day. I know the baby's not due until the last week of February next year and that worrying is useless, distressful, never good for any pregnant woman (or anybody), but I can't help myself from being such a worry wart. All this information about the up and coming inevitable birth of my child is bothering me more and more.
I see my OBGYN once a month so it's kinda hard to deal with all the changes and the emotions that I'm going through. As a first time preggo it's also my first time to experience everything. Being a registered nurse just seems to be useless when it's myself who's pregnant and needy.
Ever since I saw those two red lines on the pregnancy test which screamed out the BIG FAT POSITIVE I've always paid extra attention to my body and I try to find out the answers to all my questions as efficiently as I could. Thankfully I got a lot of resources. I have a cousin who's very close to me (a mom of one and carrying baby #2) and she's sort of become my preggy mommy dictionary. I could also ask my mom and my mom-in-law all sorts of questions but come on--they haven't been pregnant for more than 10 years. I've also signed up at an online mommy forum and it's been a habit to bookmark countless websites for pregnancy and motherhood just to get as much information as I can to keep me from going nuts. But as they say, too much is never a good thing, and that's exactly what's happening here. INFORMATION OVERLOAD. It's all very confusing. Not everything I learn is precisely what's going on with my own body. My mom always tells me I should talk to my doctor about all my concerns but then we're back to square one: I only see her ONCE a month and to me all my worries just can't fit into one appointment. I'm not exactly the only patient in her clinic.
So yeah, I'm scared. I'm scared for myself and for my child. I'm scared it would hurt too much that I can't handle the pain.. And just like House, I'm not exactly big on pain. I'm scared of not being a good mom while my baby's still inside, innocent and angelic. I'm unsure about a lot of things and I have this fear of posing a threat to my baby's health and development. Sure, I take my vitamins, I eat the right stuff, I drink a lot, I walk around, I bathe everyday and all that hygienic blah, I pray novenas and attend Holy Mass, but still, I worry.
I'm having my next prenatal checkup next Tuesday, September 22, just a few days before my husband's birthday. We're still very excited to find out the baby's sex, but this time, I mean VERY. Love said it would be such an awesome birthday gift, and I agree with him, and swore to myself that I'm not leaving the clinic until we find out. I'm 20 weeks pregnant by then; just the right time to start finding out baby's package.
I just want to be a good mom. I just want a happy, brilliant, bouncy, healthy baby.