That's what Love calls me. Nursey. I like it, it's cute. The only problem is I don't think I'm cut out to be one. I don't know if this is a first time jitters thing or something that my guts are trying to tell me. When I got to my station for the first time it was too overwhelming. I was on duty with 7 other trainees and 4 regular nurses that day--I can't even imagine what it will be like when I'm the only trainee for a whole shift. I had to take a voluntary off today (sounds way better than the real term), my first one. Tomorrow night I'll be back to work, night duty, and I have no idea what's coming. My co-nurses are really nice but I have a feeling they're just patronizing me because I'm new and I have no idea what I'm doing. I hope these bad vibes are gone by tomorrow. I can't believe I finished a difficult 4 year course but now I feel like I'm not up for it. Is it normal to feel this way? My career just started but I can't help feeling hostile. And by the way, I thought being assigned to a ward was a good idea but turns out it's the worst place to be. Too toxic, too exhausting, too demanding. I mean, is this really what I want? I don't want to sound ungrateful to my parents; they supported me all throughout college and now I'm a registered nurse and a true professional. But I never thought being a nurse was going to be this difficult. I never thought that it will take too long before I can actually enjoy this and earn my own money with this job. I quit the call center business and left the opportunity of a decent paycheck because I wanted to focus on my "real" career. But now that I'm heading the right direction, why are the roads too complicated and intertwined to figure out?
Nurses are supposed to help the sick and be sincerely concerned about the welfare of their patients. Sure, I'm glad to be of service. But what about me? This is the real world. We all need to thrive. I'm not whining. In fact, I'm mustering all the optimism that I can to enjoy and love this job. I finished BSN, I answered the board exam questions, I claimed my professional ID, I applied for the position of nurse trainee so I understand that there's no use complaining--I got here because of me and besides, the government never listens to the needs of nurses. I guess I should just get back to working on to the next important move on my list: the search for fulfillment.