Nursey

That's what Love calls me. Nursey. I like it, it's cute. The only problem is I don't think I'm cut out to be one. I don't know if this is a first time jitters thing or something that my guts are trying to tell me. When I got to my station for the first time it was too overwhelming. I was on duty with 7 other trainees and 4 regular nurses that day--I can't even imagine what it will be like when I'm the only trainee for a whole shift. I had to take a voluntary off today (sounds way better than the real term), my first one. Tomorrow night I'll be back to work, night duty, and I have no idea what's coming. My co-nurses are really nice but I have a feeling they're just patronizing me because I'm new and I have no idea what I'm doing. I hope these bad vibes are gone by tomorrow. I can't believe I finished a difficult 4 year course but now I feel like I'm not up for it. Is it normal to feel this way? My career just started but I can't help feeling hostile. And by the way, I thought being assigned to a ward was a good idea but turns out it's the worst place to be. Too toxic, too exhausting, too demanding. I mean, is this really what I want? I don't want to sound ungrateful to my parents; they supported me all throughout college and now I'm a registered nurse and a true professional. But I never thought being a nurse was going to be this difficult. I never thought that it will take too long before I can actually enjoy this and earn my own money with this job. I quit the call center business and left the opportunity of a decent paycheck because I wanted to focus on my "real" career. But now that I'm heading the right direction, why are the roads too complicated and intertwined to figure out?

Nurses are supposed to help the sick and be sincerely concerned about the welfare of their patients. Sure, I'm glad to be of service. But what about me? This is the real world. We all need to thrive. I'm not whining. In fact, I'm mustering all the optimism that I can to enjoy and love this job. I finished BSN, I answered the board exam questions, I claimed my professional ID, I applied for the position of nurse trainee so I understand that there's no use complaining--I got here because of me and besides, the government never listens to the needs of nurses. I guess I should just get back to working on to the next important move on my list: the search for fulfillment.

The blues

Lately I've been having eating and sleeping problems. I don't know what the hell's going on with me but I would really like to find out. The problem is I'm too lazy to go for a check-up and I don't have time for that. Pretty ironic for someone in the medical field.

So anyway my mom and my youngest sister Zshalia are leaving for Thailand this weekend so I'm gonna be staying at my grandparents' house for a month. The perk: it only takes few minutes to get to JON hospital (my workplace yay!), SM Batangas, and Jai's house. I'm going to miss my newly painted room which I've claimed as my own because my younger sister Len doesn't want to sleep here anymore. We used to share this room but I guess she hates me too much and can't bear to stand one night of breathing in the same atmosphere. I wanna suggest that she just get all her stuff out of here so she doesn't have to endure the emotional stress of coming in and out to get her clothes or do her make up if I infuriate her that much, but you know I can't or else she would go bonkers. I have no problem with her really. She's the one who's got a problem with me. I don't talk to her anymore so I don't get why she's still so mad. Peace and quiet is best so I just STFU. I'm not the immature one here. Did I mention that one time when she entered the bedroom and kept hitting my lower back with the door while I was sitting on the floor going through some stuff and she gave me the stink eye, and then a few minutes later I found my stuff piled in the trash bin and all over the place? Sister, let's just ignore each other and be merry if you don't want us to make up. Sheesh.

Moving on to other news, my boyfriend is kinda ticked off at me because I've been a drama queen myself but it's just that I love him too much and he's all I have in the world. He's the only person that I trust right now (except of course my girl friends and best cousins) but you know what I mean. Am I being too clingy or something? Believe me, I'm trying really hard not to act selfish but all sorts of events are driving me insane and he's the one who will always be willing to talk to me whenever I'm going through something.

Love, I'm sorry. 

Monday

The hospital just called. I'm gonna be a nurse on duty for reals for reals. The downside: one, there's a huge chance that I'll be seeing my ex again and two, I won't be able to spend a monday with Jai. But hey we're moving on with our lives so Jai and I are just fine. I wanna thank everybody who helped me land the position as a nurse trainee expecially Jai's mom, Tita Lani. Wow this is really it. My life is heading the right direction no matter how much other people insist that it's not.

Finally. White scrubs in my closet. :)

RNs Oath Taking

fully pledged nurse

REGISTERED NURSES Oath Taking Ceremony

SMX; 1-5 pm 

Highlights: (1) I broke my friend's camera and (2) my ex made an interesting choice to sit behind me so I had to endure the whole event with his eyes piercing my hair bun. A pretty average day for someone who cheated on her ex.

The JAJA Factor

"Straaaaaap!"

"I'm just too cute for ya'll."

An afternoon with Jai and his family.

Lomee's birthday.

Going public...

...never felt this gooooood. :)

He's coming home

I'm really excited about the weekend! I just hope we could spend at least one whole day together. And I promise that by Monday or Tuesday there's gonna be a happier entry! :D

Heh!

It's been a few days now that the truth has been revealed and if you've been following the updates on the issue well obviously the wounds of the people involved are still fresh. But ironically enough, Love and I aren't in any pain at all.

Last Monday, we rode a bus and traveled to retrieve my professional ID. After that we stopped by to visit some special familiar places and headed back to Batangas after. I couldn't believe it but the night before, I gathered all the willpower that I could to make my point across my mother that I would only collect my RN ID if Love was the one who would be coming with me. And wouldn't you know it, the next morning Love and I were on our way, sitting side by side in a bus at 4am. MY MOTHER KNEW THAT LOVE AND I SPENT THE WHOLE DAY TOGETHER. Everything that we did on that certain Monday was pure bliss, including waiting for a ride while sweating under the sun and placing the cold water bottle on our skin to cool off and waving at the clueless strangers on the train high above us just for fun. Running in the sidewalk hand in hand to catch the bus ride home never felt more freeing.

The trip was exhaustingly fun. But before I sent myself home he took me to his aunt's place and there I met his extended family including his goddaughter which we're both fond of so dearly. I never thought that the day would come that I would finally hold that precious little child and actually play with her. Love's mom was also there and she was really nice to me. He said that his mom never really initated conversations with his exes so having his mom talk to me was something new... and we're both happy about that. I'm also really thankful that his mom's eager to help me land the job I'm after. That afternoon his aunts invited me to join them for a merienda of lomi and coke zero and I guess I could say that it just felt right at that moment. We were actually having a meal together and I had Love and his mom beside me. They were the family that want to belong to. I feel welcome.

Like I always say, this is just the beginning. There's a lot more that's coming. But now that Love and I are free, anything is possible. We're taking care of each other. No matter how persisent people are trying to bring us down, we will always stay strong and never let other people tell us what to do. This is true love. We know it because we feel it.