I've been meaning to write about something other than anything related to pregnancy. So far my attempts have been futile. The question "How much longer?" is playing on repeat in my head.
My mom texted me this morning and asked me about the current situation. AKA, am I going to give birth yet? I told her there's still nothing to be excited about. If her question was to ask me if I'm in pain though, or if I'm getting fatter everyday (especially my nose) the answer would be a big, and an even fatter YES.
I have learned to stand the physical pain. But the whole waiting thing is driving me crazy. It may sound overly dramatic but what I'm going through now is actually emotionally painful. Every night I go to bed in utter disappointment with hopes that in the middle of the night I would wake up to find out that my waters have broken, or be awakened by regular painful contractions, or just find a little blood in my undies when I get up to pee in the bathroom. For the past couple of nights I've been really moody and sappy, and my husband is the only person who takes all the crap. The other night he offered me some corn and I just snapped at him and told him to leave me alone. He left the room and I was left crying in bed. When he got back he showed no sign of anger, instead he sat next to me, caressed me and gently kept asking me to stop crying. The sobbing episode seemed to just come out of nowhere. I felt like I needed to let it all out and just burst in tears. It was just uncontrollable. It took a while before I stopped but eventually I got a hold of myself and watched something Jai wanted to show me--an educational video he downloaded for our baby. Somehow it calmed me down, but deep inside I still felt bad... and I still do.
Tomorrow I'll be having another weekly checkup but unlike the previous months, I don't feel hyped about this one and all the possible ones after this. Another Thursday checkup means it has been another week of nothing and then right after comes another week of the waiting game. And you know what else is so annoying? Asking me if I've given birth yet and then when I say NO they end up telling me "Don't worry, she'll come out when she's ready." I'm so sick of hearing that. It's not the baby who decides when to come out. IT'S THE PREGNANT MOM'S BODY. It's my body. It's my fat stubborn body and its stubborn hormones.
I'm thinking trial labor might be the only thing that would get things started. It worked for my cousin, I hope it works for me. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to force something to happen in the wrong time, so I'm guessing a trial labor could be induced in the week of my due date. Sigh. It's so depressing. I just want to finally hold my baby.
The ticker says "15 DAYS TO GO". Yeah. Whatever.