A Year After

I can't believe it has been a year since I updated my blog. I wish I could have written more, but life happened.

I am sitting in my bed right now, in a house I now call home, with my husband playing his PC game, my daughter lying in bed reading, and my baby boy sleeping.

It's a bad day, definitely one of the worsts, but I am still lucky to have these wonderful human beings in my life by my side, on this very day and for the past month.

And because my children are growing too fast, and my husband and I aren't getting any younger, I don't want to forget... I'd like to share more from this day forward. I owe it to my children that they can look back and know how things were for us. Maybe I won't write not long, coherent posts, but more of snippets - shower thoughts, the like. If there's anything I learned from today, our lives can change just like that and it's out of our control.

I hope a year after today it's a better day.

 

Observations of a Co-Parent

My eldest is in school and she's not coming home until around 3PM, my son is still asleep, my husband in having lunch while I watch my baby sleep, and what do I do? I flip my netbook open and read about baby poop.

I was just reading this blog post about how motherhood could totally eradicate your social skills and a life outside the four walls of your house. I think truer words have never been said, but with that new lifestyle also comes new opportunities to socialize and venture into new things. Sometimes, maybe it's just on us?

Here's what I mean. I pick up my child everyday from school and every day that I do, I have to wait for her outside the gates just like all the other moms. And I just sit there, browsing on my phone, Facebook-messaging my sister, the sort. And then I think about my mom who used to do the same exact thing when I was a kid but she talked to other moms and even made friends with them. Me? I keep to myself and patiently wait for my child to turn up in the corner.

I guess I just might be more introverted than I thought. I could sometimes be indifferent and I don't necessarily feel the urge to talk to other people to make friends. I can make new acquaintances but I don't feel like I should get in their face and become BFFs. I like my silence. But I don't necessarily call myself a loner because when I'm with family I just can't shut my mouth.

So I would sit at the school gates and wait and wait and wait, and I would overhear all sorts of conversations about their kids, where they live, homework, and frankly I don't care unless I'm actively involved in the conversation. I certainly got my allergies from my mother's side of the family, but definitely not their social prowess.

Best way to describe it would be sitting at the bleachers watching a game without really have a care what the game was because it's a game called gossip.

Aside from this blog and talking to family and closest friends, I just really keep to myself. I'm not a big fan of nonsensical chatter, and these mommy-cliques at school are the ultimate breeding ground for rumors. First of all, I don't exactly know these people and I know the only thing we have in common is that we're moms and our kids go to the same school. Other than that, I'm fine with just saying hi and hello and we'll be on our merry way.

What I think I'm missing out on though, if anything, is networking. It's a free networking stint. Especially if you're in the direct selling business, like face-to-face, being chummy with these other moms is a gold mine. There's definitely opportunity there and I realize it's something I know I have to adjust to sooner or later, even if I don't necessarily want to or need to. Actually, my family is in the sales business and it definitely wouldn't hurt to try. I hope my mostly-keeping-to-myself self could eventually adjust though.

But until that happens, I'll be sitting quietly in the bleachers, minding my own business.

Booby Business

Before I had my first baby I was decided on breastfeeding her for as long as I could. I have a Nursing degree and I know the benefits of breastfeeding and I thought, “how hard can it be?” To me it would just be a matter of offering a boob and bonding with your baby as he feeds.

But when I gave birth to my daughter I realized I made a huge mistake of thinking it was a piece of cake. She just wouldn’t latch on for long and sometimes she just wouldn’t latch on at all. So to keep my daughter fed I had no choice but to feed her milk formula. It was the only way she would thrive.

Now, the formula vs breastfeeding debate has been going on forever and I wanted to write about this because for baby number 2, my son, I’m exclusively breastfeeding him and whenever people compliment me about how I’m breastfeeding exclusively, I should be happy but I also feel sort of uncomfortable.

To be perfectly honest, I feel like I’m being indirectly responsible for shaming moms who don’t, can’t, couldn’t, won’t breastfeed whenever other people think I’m a saint for doing it. I’ve been on both sides and I completely understand the pros and cons of each. Nothing is 100% perfect, no one is perfect, no matter who you are or how you feed your baby.

Right now I’m comfortable with this set-up of exclusively breastfeeding (EBF) and in fact there’s a half-empty can of milk formula somewhere in this house because it came to the point that my son didn’t want to drink from bottles anymore. So why is there milk formula in the house, you ask? My son started on formula because he stayed in the hospital nursery right after he was born, and because I had him via C-section it was impossible for me to breastfeeding on the clock. He eventually weaned off the bottle until he just exclusively wanted the boob. So if you reading this is an expecting mom, please know that it’s never an easy thing to start and everyone who wants to go the EBF route starts their journey differently. Do not be ashamed.

I wasn’t a breastfed baby, neither of me and my sisters were, because my mom had inverted tatas and didn’t have enough milk. At least that’s what she said. But I didn't judge her for it, and no one should. I turned out fine and dandy. Anyway, because she didn't have much experience on the matter, everything that I learned about breastfeeding was either from school or the internet.

Going back to subject of being complimented on because my son was on EBF, I wonder if they would have praised me too if I said he was mixed (BF and FF) or if he was exclusively FF (formula-fed). I want you to know that I had to suffer before I got here.

I used to hear stories of other moms who say they almost feel like being bitten by teeth during breastfeeding, having fever, rock hard boobs, mastitis, etc. I thought it was all overreaction until I experienced it myself. For many weeks I used to cry and scream in my pillows whenever he would drink out of the right boob (I don’t know why just on the right), but even on the left it was painful although more tolerable. That, on top of the C-section pain in my abdomen, was hell on earth.

But it’s just one of those things about being a mom. All the pain is worth it for your children and the pain just becomes negligible before you even know it until it disappears altogether. After a couple of months, the pain during nursing sessions disappeared, I’ve learned his hunger and satiety cues, I learned which boob is full enough to feed with (gentle pats and jiggles required lol), I learned when he’s not getting enough milk (greenish, liquid poop) which means he’s not being fed long enough, I learned when he’s getting enough milk (rich yellow thick poop), I learned that EBF babies don’t necessarily poop daily, I learned that what I eat has an effect on mine and the baby’s BM, I learned that I absolutely hate pumping and I still avoid it (unli-latch is the way!), I learned which nursing positions are best for me and baby, and so many other things that I keep learning as we go along. You can read all the books and articles there is about breastfeeding but to be honest it still all depends on what works for you and your baby.

The bottom line is: be proud of how you are feeding your baby as long as you are feeding your baby. Formula or breastmilk doesn’t matter. I’m not one of those extremists. All I know is, that, and your love and care, are enough. So good job, momma!

Chronicling a Crazy Sick Week

Currently my kids and I are unwell. Basically I'm writing this all down for the purpose of note-taking, and because I need somewhere to vent that it's been a crazy craaaaazy 3 months+ and the past few weeks have definitely been the most challenging.

July 15 - Iaine was taken to her pedia for a checkup due a cold and cough that was already 1 week+. Meds prescribed. No blood tests done.
July 19 - Iajin was taken to the hospital to have CBC done. Low hemoglobin level determined.
July 21 - Iaine still had a cough. No colds for days now. I also started to cough.
July 22 - Iaine's colds have returned.
July 23 - Iajin was taken to SPHMC for blood transfusion. My cough is definitely worse.
July 24 - Iajin was discharged from the hospital less than 24 hours after admission. BT happened at around 12 midnight. Felt he was feverish at night, it was. 37.7C. Iaine's cough is back to its bad state and colds have definitely returned. I got a full-blown cough now with phlegm.
July 25 - 3am. I awoke to a feverish Iajin with a temperature of 38.1. Iaine is currently at the doctor's clinic for a follow-up check-up because of persistent cough and colds. As of 12 noon, Iajin's fever has disappeared and temp is down to 36.3. Also, I don't have a voice and Iajin has started to cough...

These are trying times and I'm praying for our fast recovery. Uggggghhhh.

Dust

As the dust settles
the glass spills
flooding everything in its way
inch by inch you go farther

No longer in our reach
leaves falling to the ground
no longer there is green
but a void

The life that you shared
etched eternally in ours
memories left in the wake of your wave
crashing down on our thirst and longing

As the stars in the night
your memories stay
in the darkness of our grief
your love lives on forever

Positivity

I was supposed to start a post about a totally different topic, but as soon as my Blogger dashboard loaded I immediately saw a new post from one of the other mommy bloggers I've been following since 7 years ago. It's again another rant about how fed up she is with her kids and other negative shit. And sadly it's made me realize how she heavily influenced my posts way back during my first pregnancy. She's always talking about how shitty her pregnancy is and all the other disadvantages that she could think of. I'm not sure if this is her gimmick, if she does this to separate her 'brand' from all other mommy blogs, or just to come up with controversial material for her book... But if you're a new mom, if you're expecting, my two cents is steer away from these types of material. Pregnancy and motherhood is hard but to me, growing your child and raising your child shouldn't be put in such a bad light. You created them. No sense is taking whatever your frustrations are on them. I'm not saying that mommy blogs should just sugarcoat inconveniences but making it a habit and spreading the bad vibes just isn't right.

If you're pregnant right now, please don't let the aches and pains, whatever negative emotion you may have, make you not enjoy the fact that you're growing your child inside of you. If you're a new mom who's looking for advice, there's no book on perfect parenting so making mistakes is something to be expected, no matter how hard we try to do everything right. If you're already a second-time mom or have been a mom for many years already, your honesty and support for other moms would be a huge deal. Keep spreading words of encouragement, and moms, please pay it forward. We all have our struggles and sometimes we just need to hear that it's going to be okay.

Sending positive vibes your way, Mommy. It's not easy, but it's going to be okay.

Love is Not Anyone Else's Business to Measure

It's only a matter of time before we take my grandfather to his final resting place. Every morning I wake up dreading for that day to come, and now it's only a couple of days away. My mom asked me to say a thanksgiving prayer but I don't know how I'll be able to start one.

I am trying to spend as much time as I can at his wake, just like when he was in the hospital, when I was trying my best to see him as often as I could. Now he's gone, and the least I could do is spend time with him in the last days with us. This is something that not all people understand. The connection I have with my grandfather isn't just an ordinary grandpa-granddaughter relationship to me. He was another father figure. He was someone I wanted to live forever. Losing my grandfather hurts, but sadly like I said, not all people understand that in these last moments, I want to spend as much time as I could with him, watch him in the deepest slumber. I talk to family about our memories with him, we comfort each other's grief, we receive consolation in the recalling the memories he has left behind... We want to ignite his legacy.

But like I said, sadly and disappointingly, not all people understand. Family is family. Love for family is love. That's it. And it's not anyone else's business to measure.

And Don't Let Anyone Tell You Otherwise